{Help My Unbelief!}

^"14 And when they came to the disciples, they saw a great crowd around them, and scribes arguing with them. ¹⁵ And immediately all the crowd, when they saw Him, were greatly amazed and ran up to Him and greeted Him. ¹⁶ And He asked them, 'What are you arguing about with them?' ¹⁷ And someone from the crowd answered Him, 'Teacher, I brought my son to You, for he has a spirit that makes him mute. ¹⁸ And whenever it seizes him, it throws him down, and he foams and grinds his teeth and becomes rigid. So I asked Your disciples to cast it out, and they were not able.' ¹⁹ And He answered them, 'O faithless generation, how long am I to be with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him to me.' ²⁰ And they brought the boy to Him. And when the spirit saw Him, immediately it convulsed the boy, and he fell on the ground and rolled about, foaming at the mouth. ²¹ And Jesus asked his father, 'How long has this been happening to him?' And he said, 'From childhood. ²² And it has often cast him into fire and into water, to destroy him. But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.' ²³ And Jesus said to him,   '‘If you can’! All things are possible for one who believes.' ²⁴ Immediately the father of the child cried out^[d] and said, 'I believe; help my unbelief!' ²⁵ And when Jesus saw that a crowd came running together, He rebuked the unclean spirit, saying to it,   'You mute and deaf spirit, I command you, come out of him and never enter him again.' ²⁶ And after crying out and convulsing him terribly, it came out, and the boy was like a corpse, so that most of them said, 'He is dead.' ²⁷ But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him up, and he arose. ²⁸ And when He had entered the house, His disciples asked Him privately, 'Why could we not cast it out?' ²⁹ And He said to them, 'This kind cannot be driven out by anything but prayer.'”

^{[Mark 9:14-29, ESV]}

Have you ever been in that place where you desperately want to believe that what you know to be true is really true? It's like you know in your head that it's true, but you're having a hard time knowing it to be true in your heart and soul? That's where I have been so often lately. When I have a lot of time on my hands, I tend to think...a lot. In fact, this almost always leads to over-thinking everything in my life. Yet it's happening again. Being home for the whole month of June with not a whole lot to do, I think... all the time, about EVERYTHING. This time, I've been thinking a lot about the future. I am now considered a sophomore in college, and I've begun to dream about what life will be like fast forwarded three years from now. I will have graduated college with a BFA in dance. I will have the rest of my life in front of me with nothing to do but...life. Real life. I saw a quote once by someone unknown that explained my feelings about the future perfectly: "The idea of the future both fascinates and frightens me at the same time." This thought is so true, especially for me. I always love to think into the future and dream about, well, things I've wanted since I was a little girl: being a ballerina, getting married, little children all my own, puppies, cooking in my own little kitchen, my own apartment and eventually my own house with my own little family living happily ever after. (Don't think I've forgotten that life comes with struggles galore, but just go with me there for a minute). The dreaming part is all fine and dandy, it's when I start trying to figure out HOW all of that is going to come about in my real life is when I start freaking out a little. Somehow, in that moment when I start trying to figure everything out, my solid faith goes running off into the sunset without me. When I start trying to figure things out that aren't really mine to figure out to the tee is when I lose faith. I start stressing out over how I'm going to graduate in just four years when I think about all the classes I still have to take. When I think of how much money it really takes to get married, rent an apartment or buy a house, have kids, and still have money to buy coffee, I start losing faith that I'll ever have any money to do any of those things, or either I imagine being poor for the rest of my life. It's right about now that I start losing my mind again and wishing so desperately that Peter Pan was real and could just sweep me off away to Neverland to never have to worry about grownup things again. This lack of faith is just another fault of mine I've come to know well in the past year or so. Yet, there is hope! There is hope in the assurance that "If we are faithless, He remains faithful..." [2 Timothy 2:13, ESV] Praise the Lord that He does not abandon us as often as we abandon our faith in Him. He still provides, cares, loves, protects, and holds us even we when are in our moments of unbelief.