The year 2011, for me, began with my attending a Worship conference in Atlanta called Passion. During the first four days of the year that I was at this conference, my life changed. Not necessarily in a dramatic way, but more subtly in the way that God changed my heart during those four days. God showed me that He did indeed love me, a sinner, and He began to give me, for the first time, a little glimpse of just how BIG His love for me really is. It was then that I finally realized that I couldn't keep up running away from His love, and that no matter where else I looked for a love like His, I would be satisfied with none of it until I first found it in Him alone. With a new heart, I headed home to finish my senior year of high school. But with this new heart had to come a new way of thinking, which I struggled with (and still often do) developing. For the next 6 months I struggled with the same things I had in 2010, and I often questioned God why it was so difficult to change my head knowledge with what my new heart knowledge was.
In May, I graduated from high school. It was a feeling of relief and accomplishment all at once, and looking back on the past 12 years of my life as a student was an interesting experience. I had picked a college and a major, and felt confident that it was where God was calling me to be. I struggled on and off throughout the summer whether it really was God's plans for me to go to school, or whether He wanted me to go straight into dancing. I know now that college was absolutely His plan, and I'm so thankful that I listened to Him.
Summer came and I took a babysitting job twice a week for a family that I had been babysitting for throughout the year. Mondays and Wednesdays I would get up and go to their house and get to play with their two children, ages 7 and 9, for hours, and then I'd go home, or go to dance, or go do things with friends. I didn't really realize it at the time, but God was teaching me a lot through those kids. He taught me a lot of patience, but He also taught me that love comes in all sorts of ways, and that the love of a child is so much different than any other kind of love. I always knew that one day, when I get married and decide to start a family, that I wanted a few kids, but it was this past summer that God showed me how much I really love children, and that if He decides to give me more than a few (say maybe five or six) I'd be perfectly content with a larger family than the one I had always imagined or experienced growing up in a family with only three children. He taught me a lot about the faith of a child during that time too. He tells us in His Word that we're to have a childlike faith, and I never really understood what that meant. But, spending so much time with kids, I began to understand a little more that having a childlike faith means to trust in the Lord without knowing all the details; not to just put part of your trust in Him, but to fully and completely hand anything and everything over with the full confidence that He has it under His control.
On August 18th, I packed up the majority of my belongings, and headed off to college at Belhaven University in Jackson, Mississippi. My mom wasn't too thrilled me moving 6.5 hours away from home, but after months of no luck, she eventually gave up trying to talk me out of it. I'm not going to lie, I was very excited about moving on to the next stage of my life, but I was super nervous. I didn't know anyone else going to the school, and I only knew one person that lived in Jackson, but God knew what He was doing with me, and I had to keep reminding myself to have faith that He did. Looking over the past four months, I see God's will all over it. Every person I've met, everyone experience I've been through, every place that I've gone, every struggle I've dealt with, all of it has been His will and His presence has been there throughout it all. I've made some friends that I know will be around for the rest of my life, and one boy in particular that has been such a blessing.
I wanted nothing to do with a relationship my freshman year, especially not my first semester, and God knew that full well, but He decided to disregard my thoughts on the subject. The second day I was at school I met a boy through a mutual friend I had met a the day before. He seemed like a nice guy and we both kind of fell into the same group of friends who would hang out all the time. Over time we both started to like each other and God took it over from there. Neither one of us wanted to have any sort of relationship besides being friends this first semester, but God had other plans, and I'm so thankful that He did. I have learned so much from this relationship that I can't even begin to get my thoughts together to think of the things individually, but I have, and I know for that reason that it's been God's will for me.
I was homeschooled all my life until August came around, and so school was one thing I was worrying about before I left for Jackson. But, through some struggles, I managed to make good grades, as well as the Dean's list my first semester. Dance classes in college have been somewhat different than what I've been used to all my life, with taking tests and quizzes and having evaluations, but I have also learned and grown so much through this as well, that I know it's making me a better person and dancer in the long run.
So that has pretty much been my 2011, now on to think about 2012, a brand new year with lots to look forward to! I recently saw the movie New Year's Eve in theaters. It was what I expected: a bunch of celebrities, some comedy, some romance, overall pretty predictable and cheesy. But at one part during the movie, Hilary Swank's character gives a speech when the New Year's Eve ball gets stuck on it's way up. She says,
"{The ball is} suspended there to remind us before we pop the champagne and celebrate the new year, to stop and reflect on the year that has gone by. To remember both our triumphs and our missteps, our promises made and broken. The times we opened ourselves up to great adventures or closed ourselves down for fear of getting hurt, because that is what New Year's is all about - getting another chance. A chance to forgive, to do better, to do more, to give more, to love more. To stop worrying about 'what if' and start embracing what would be. So when that ball drops at midnight, and it will drop, let's remember to be nice to each other, kind to each other. And not just tonight but all year long."
The "all year long" part is something I think most people forget about. People get out their pens and paper on New Year's Eve, sit down and begin to make a list of things they resolve to do better in the coming year. However, the majority of people can't make it past Valentine's Day in keeping these resolutions. A new year is about a fresh start, but that start should just be the beginning of living an entirely different way, the way that you have decided on that piece of paper that you want to start living.
Reflect the the things that have changed you and made you into a better person, the things that you have learned and the things that you have been through. Then think about all the difficulties, struggles, and bad days that you had in 2011, think about them once, and then throw them out. Move on. As everyone is eating cookies and blowing horns, wearing sparkles and kissing people at 12 o'clock, allow this time to think about all the possibilities of a new year, and think about the person you want to become, the person who God created you to be, and become that. It won't be easy, it may possibly be the most difficult thing you've decided to do in your life, but you won't be doing it alone, and you won't be doing most of it. Let this year be a time that God works in your life and in your heart, and allow Him to change, shape, and mold you into the beautiful creation you were meant to be. You will still fail and mess up sometimes, but that's what God's grace is for, and He is standing there waiting to forgive you of all of the past and future sins that are and will be in your life. Let Him make you new.
